After a horrifically bad two weeks with a major dental
issue, my beautiful daughter is on the mend. It was terrible on her, and it was
difficult on her lovely husband, who is one of the most caring and empathetic people
I know. And yes, being a thousand miles from her created some stress for me
too. As most parents will tell you, the loving instinct to protect and fix and
make a child’s world more perfect is overwhelming.
She was her normal feisty self when we talked this morning,
but she detected my uneasiness/distraction and texted me later to ask what was
wrong. Smart kid. You can love, but you
cannot hide.
So, setting aside my fear of appearing weak, and not living
up to my role as a parent/mentor, I told her. I told her I didn’t particularly
like the whole Christmas season, with its expectations and disappointments. I
didn’t like the memories of the people I’ve lost in life and those that are
struggling with all the crap that life brought their way. And I told her that sometimes
I get lonely. Here I am with some of the deepest and most wonderful friendships
and relationships a person could possibly have and I get lonely. What the hell
is that all about?
Okay, so at the beginning of the movie “City Slickers 2,” some
of the characters were questioning a buddy who had intended to leave his shrew
of a wife but ultimately did not. Exasperated, his buddies asked why he didn’t
leave. His response? “I’d rather be miserable than lonely.” Well. Translated,
“I’m afraid to be lonely.”
So what about our fears? Death. Speaking in public (often feared more than death). Being lonely. Heights. Wild animals. And monsters under the bed.
The other
day, a very beautiful man said to me, “Some people imagine monsters under the
bed. But I actually see them.” After thinking about that for a while, I
responded, “Some people imagine angels, and I hope you see them too.” But I
digress.
How about this one? Fear of loving someone, or being loved
by someone. Or not being loved. Or
loved enough. Ironically, it is probably one of the most
prolifically inspirational fears known to humanity. How many songs, poems,
novels, works of art or legends would there be without this? A thin line
between love and hate? Well, the line between love and fear is thinner than the
edge of a dime.
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And so what do we do? Stumble along. Hope for a break. Take
a chance. Be honest. Make a leap of faith. Be willing to get hurt. Get hurt.
Fall down. And get back up again.
It’s all so messy and complicated. I don’t know what to say. But I want to end with a little
story about love and fear and monsters.
About a month ago I went to a short talk about dreams given
by the wonderful Azima Lila Forest here in Silver City. She told about when her
then three-year-old son had a recurring nightmare of a monster chasing him. She
finally suggested to him that the next time he had the dream, to turn and face
the monster and ask what he wanted. Her son was amazed at the idea. Could he
really do that? Yes he could. A few days later her son woke in a happy mood.
When Azima asked if he’d had the dream again, her son said yes, and that he
turned and confronted the monster. When Azima asked her son what the monster
wanted, her son said, “Mom, he just wanted to be loved!”
And so my people, go forward. Face your fears, face your
monsters and keep on loving. Keep on.
